By Anahata Ananda of Shamangelic Healing in Sedona
The BIGGEST mistake most people make in starting or staying in a relationship, is NOT answering these 5 vital questions, HONESTLY and REPEATEDLY. MOST love-starved seekers stay in unhealthy relationships or leap rapidly into relationships without even looking, feeling and asking just what they are diving into. And more importantly, why are they diving into it. Of course this will inevitably end in disaster, destruction and heart-ache. And NO, you cannot keep blaming it all on the other person. It is time for a reality check, and radical self-accountability. But don’t worry, Answering these 5 questions will help you attract and maintain healthier relationships and STOP painful cycles from repeating. Here we go.
1. WHO AM I?
Who are you without the roles you play or the masks you wear? Who are you at a SOUL level? Are you still being defined by your stories, imprints and programming? What passions and dreams stir within you? What ethics or beliefs do you stand for? If you don’t know who you are, then you will most certainly look to your relationships to answer this question for you. Others will answer who they want you to be with their own agenda and through their limited perspective of you. Their answer will inevitably fall short of the truth, creating a palpable tension between the two of you. Looking outside yourself for validation and self-identity will always end in disappointment. Ultimately, this question cannot be answered by anyone else. “Who am I?” is the question YOUR Soul beckons YOU to answer. When this inquiry is ignored, then your masks, roles, insecurities and inauthentic characteristics are running the relationship, creating dramas, picking fights, imposing control, hiding or projecting blame. Self-discovery is an individual journey with its own twists and turns, trials and triumphs and can coexist within healthy relationships. Bring self-respect and authenticity to your relationships while making the journey of ongoing self-discovery and evolution a priority. Know who you are. The REAL you will attract REAL relationships. Those that don’t appreciate the real you are not the people you want to be in relationship with anyway.
2. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE?
Here is where you take an honest look at what is demanding your attention, energy and resources in your life right now. You see, the phase of life that you’re in, will profoundly affect your ability to be present for a relationship. Are you healing from a breakup or a divorce? Starting/ending a career path? Juggling the demands of a family? Mourning the loss of a loved one? Moving? What is the state of your finances and physical health? Looking for a life partner? When honest with yourself about these life themes, you will be able to clearly identify what you are truly seeking and available for. MOST people ignore the honest reality of where they are in life and what they truly desire, deceiving themselves and others in the process. This denial often lurks in the shadows of the relationship. Inevitably, the truth surfaces, often creating unnecessary resentment and pain in its wake. Know that ignoring reality will sabotage your happiness and hurt those you love. Big life shifts, new beginnings or traumas may take time, attention, healing or resolution. Honor where you are and what is important to you. Be clear and aware of your priorities and therefore empowered to make decisions that attract the right people and situations that support you.
3. WHO ARE THEY?
When exploring the possibility of a new love interest, take the time to discover who this person really is and what is important to them. Their story will give you clues as to the kind of person they truly are. What are their beliefs, ethics and values? What are their passions and dreams? MOST people fail to inquire and ignore warning signs, making assumptions and rushing into situations, seeing only what that want to see. Truly be aware of who this person actually is, without projections or expectations clouding your judgement. Many relationship dramas and painful surprises can easily be avoided with some patient, thoughtful, inquiry and honesty. LISTEN to the red flags as well as the green lights. This is NOT the time for fantasy and projections. If you are not sure then spend more time getting to know each other. This exploration will help you to see more clearly whether there is authentic connection, and sufficient common interests.
4. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THEIR LIFE?
What is demanding their attention, energy and resources? The phase of life that they are in, and the events in their life, will profoundly affect their ability to be present in a relationship. Are they broke or abundant? Healing from a breakup or a divorce? Starting/ending a career path? Are they coping with a current or past substance abuse issue? Do they have family commitments or dreams? Already in a relationship? Living nearby or far away? Experiencing a health challenge? This is the time for extreme honesty. They may, or may not have the time, energy, desire or availability for the kind of relationship you are seeking. When honest with yourself about where they are, you can more clearly ascertain if the fit and timing is right. One or both parties often ignore these issues, hoping they will pass. Deception is a powerful poison and it will come back to bite you both and often others as well.
5. BASED ON THE HONEST ANSWERS TO THE FIRST 4 QUESTIONS, WHAT IS THE HEALTHIEST DYNAMIC FOR THE RELATIONSHIP AT THIS TIME?
Now at least you are equipped with more than pheromones, fantasy and attraction to help you navigate the best arrangement. This is the critical point which determines whether you move into a conscious healthy relationship or repeat, YET AGAIN, another Karmic relationship cycle of pain. Discernment and honesty here is THE GREATEST gift to all involved. Everyone will have challenges and differences. What you are seeking here is transparency – are the gaps bridgeable and is there enough common interest to move forward. Perhaps, the healthiest arrangement will be friends, colleagues or just movie buddies. If you have explored these questions honestly and feel there is potential, alignment and attraction, then go for it! If you are getting clear signals that something isn’t right or big red flags, then back up. If you are not sure, then proceed with caution. You have the right to be disappointed if what you had hoped for does not match reality. You are free to grieve if the timing or paths are not aligned. Better to grieve now and release what isn’t a good fit than to ignore the warning signs and force something false. THIS is how to avoid chaotic, hurtful relationships. People are dynamic, therefore relationships are dynamic. Keep asking the questions above and reevaluate as the answers shift over time. A friend or colleague may shift into a romantic partner. Spouses may shift into just being co-parents or friends. The invitation is to remain present with all circumstances and those involved, allowing the relationship to remain in the highest alignment possible.
If you found this helpful and want more, you can access Anahata’s online video course for Maintaining Healthy, Conscious, Relationships here. In this course you will receive the opportunity to Explore Tools, Practices and Perspectives for Maintaining Healthy Personal, Family, Intimate, and Professional Relationships. For more information click here.
I KNOW healthy thriving relationships are in your future. Your awareness, commitment and honesty will pave the way! I am HERE to assist you.
Anahata Ananda is the Founder of Shamangelic Healing, Sedona, Arizona’s Premier Retreat Center for Shamanic Healing and Spiritual Awakening. Shamanic Healer and Spiritual Counselor, Anahata Ananda, has trained extensively with gifted shamans, energy healers and spiritual teachers from Peru, India, Asia and North America in order to artfully integrate the fields of Spirituality, energy healing, self-empowerment, shamanic teachings, emotional release, couple/family dynamics and visualization techniques. Blending the compassion and tenderness of an Angel with the wisdom and strength of a Shaman, Anahata guides journeys of profound healing and awakening. Her extensive client base spans the globe and includes business professionals, parents, couples, healers and individuals of all ages, who seek to heal and awaken their fullest potential. For more information on private sessions, group retreats and workshops visit www.ShamangelicHealing.com